So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
