I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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