i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
