At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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