And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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