They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
