i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
