my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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