I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
