a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
