On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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