clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
