I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it because I queefed?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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