We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
