ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
