i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
