WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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