and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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