I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
