i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
