guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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