life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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