how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
