I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
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you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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