im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
These tits shall not be calmed
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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