I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
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I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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