He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just cut my nipple shaving
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
