Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
