i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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