you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
