dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
