I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
