3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
