my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
