he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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