dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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