and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
