i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
