new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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