I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
