I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
