Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
