best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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