At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
