I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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