I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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