dude i'm inner monologue high
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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