Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
