i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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