I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
