Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
