Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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