she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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