Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
