At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.