Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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