You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
