have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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